This is a question that comes up a lot. It’s hugely frustrating, as well as difficult and painful to watch someone you care about struggle in the quicksand of an abusive relationship.

It’s frustrating because we can see all the things that they can’t. We’d love to help them – which probably means getting them to adopt the solution that we know is right. But they don’t see it, and they’re not going to do it.

It’s difficult because you start to feel like you’re caught up in Groundhog Day. They reach the point of leaving, they may well even leave… and then the whole thing goes around again, and again. Maybe the same partner, maybe a different one. But you hear the same story again and again.

If the question alone was enough to make you recoil in horror, it doesn’t necessarily mean that the term couldn’t possibly apply to you. You may not have heard the term before, but your reaction may be because you are a closet hopium addict.

What is the definition of a hopium addict? ‘A hopium addict is someone who puts their own emotional needs on hold, while they wait for their partner to kick their addiction – be it to drugs, alcohol, gambling, or emotionally and physically abusive behaviour – despite all the evidence to the contrary’.

So you are licking your wounds. Your relationship came to a bad end. Your fairy prince turned into a swine. The romance that started magically in your dream castle ended up in a grotty sty. As for your swain, well, he ended up smelling of a number of things; but roses was not one of them.

Naturally, your confidence has been dented. Somewhere along the line your judgement was a bit skewed on that one. But you are not going to let it put you off men for life. Besides, you are the kind of woman who needs to have a man in your life.

Food in teeth, nausea, childhood stories and exposing your pot belly are all things you ought to avoid on first or second dates. You run the risk of experiencing these and other humiliating incidents if you choose the wrong place to bring your date. Good places are memorable, different, unique, cost-effective, and relevant to both of you in some way. Bad date places have none of these qualities and the worst places not only lack these things, but also embarrass you and assure that you’ll never get another date with the person again.

Let’s look at the function of a date. If you’re single, a date acts like an interview. Your goal is to get the other person to still like you enough when the date is over to go out with you again, assuming you’re still interested as well. You’re trying to appear cool, sexy, together, confident, and fun. You’re also trying to make the other person as comfortable as possible.