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Dear Concerned, As the professional that I am supposed to be, you cannot get an answer from me whether to divorce or not? Yet, you have stated your issues very clearly. So I give some observations, which I offer in general from experience in working with myself and others, and many couples.

List – Handling Couple Crises And Separations – Do’s And Don’ts’

• First almost on this list is the realization that we as humans prefer the happy times and dynamics of intimate relating, yet there comes a time where a relationship falls into suffering. Suffering is the emotional effect of human bonding going through a stretching and breakup process. Just as we unite for wholeness and unity, so do we also separate for differentiation of ourselves from others, so that we may the more find our true selves, and prepare for new unity experiences that may come our way.

• Separate out from unconsciousness within in order to build new unities of strength and being within, from which to reenter the outer world of relating, bonding and cooperative achievement.

• Inner is prior to outer. Even with outer relating, always look for and deal with inner dynamics being evoked.

• Talk more about yourself and what you are experiencing, rather than defining your own reactions and actions in terms of the other person. Why? Less confusing and more respectful to talk in terms of yourself. No one is to blame. Talk about yourself and let the other person talk about themselves. Don’t attack.

• Couples should be honest and realistic about relating. This means don’t play games. Don’t relate to anyone you don’t want to relate to.

• If a relationship takes more energy than it gives, why stay in the relationship? Relationships are for enhancing and building the life force together. We should gain more value and energy than we give in having a love relationship.

• Divorcing or separating seems like a big deal at the time but in terms of reality and change, humans do it all the time.

• The choice to divorce or stay with someone should be made by the individual. The individual is one hundred percent responsible for their own lives. Couples do not make decisions. Individuals do.

• We have one life to live. No one else is responsible for us. We make our own decisions and take the consequences. This is reality. This is life.

• Don’t love somebody because they need your love. This simply does not work in reality. Love because you feel the desire to love. Love comes from yourself, not because of the other person.

• Don’t manipulate to try and get love. Don’t respond to another person’s manipulation to try and get you to love them.

• Present love is not an obligation to love someone based on the past. What we each gain from loving someone must be in the satisfaction and sharing of that moment. You cannot defer to the future reward for present action.

• We owe no one for what they have done for us in the past. Why? Because we live one hundred percent in the present moment. The present moment is who we are now and what we are now. If a relationship is not working now to our satisfaction, for whatever reason, then it is not working for us. Make the decision to either create a crisis and challenge in the relationship, or simply end it.

• We choose to love, for whatever reasons. If we don’t choose to love someone, then don’t fake it. Let the person know the truth that we are unwilling or unable to love that person.

• Reality is healing. No matter how much we fear another person will suffer it is our responsibility to let them know the truth of our perception of them and our ability to currently love or not love them. Thus, give the other person your perception of yourself first and stay with that.

• Reality is healing. If you don’t love someone, tell them, and let them and you get on with your lives.

• One usually chooses for both in a relationship. If you are certain about what you should really choose because of your own feelings and values, then choose what is right for you and take the consequences.

• There are always consequences for every choice. When we choose regarding another person we also are choosing for them to handle their own consequences for the choices we make, just as we have to handle the consequences from others for the choices we make.

• Learn to choose strongly in life following inner guidance. When you know a truth for yourself and life, follow it, act upon it. This will change your life and make you a strong, inner-directed person.

• Act when the moment is ripe.

• When possible, rededicate to the present relationship, or end it, based on what you already know and experience about it for yourself. While humans often use falling in love with someone else to end the relationship with the present partner, this usually clouds the issue. Make yourself single first before seeking to love another. Then you will be dealing with only your present partner and relationship.

• If you find that it takes falling in love with someone else to end the present relationship, then face the following: Are you using the new person to make yourself strong enough to end the relationship with your present partner? If so, make sure you are clear on why the present partner relationship is not working and cannot work for you.

• If you are using falling in love with a new person to end the relationship with your present partner, make sure you have talked about this issue with your new love partner so that you are both dealing with the issue realistically.

• The basis for relating to some one is that the relationship is mutually beneficial to both of you in an ongoing way. Use the relationship crisis to face honestly and thoroughly what you have and need in loving relating, as well as what you don’t have. Keep clearing up love and life issues with anyone you are relating to. Don’t let them pile up.

• Don’t live in fear. It takes courage to truly love. Live in fear and you are already dead.

• Consider keeping relating to both your new lover and your present lover, but be open about both, so that the three of you are under the fierce challenge of being rivals to each other. This kind of testing will break each of you down to your core levels of being, and show the real values that each of you live by.

• Keep relating to both love persons to the extent that each and all of you have your say about what is being evoked in the love relating. Yet, don’t try and help or make it easy for anyone else involved with you. Let them handle themselves as best they can. You must stay focused on your own values and desires in the situation.

• Risk all in the relating happening during a love crisis. Risk giving up, or having taken from you, the possibility of relating to one or either of your current lovers. Be able and ready to have a lean period yourself in which you relate to nobody but yourself as you get your new life together.

• Recognize that building your new life at the present stage of living might mean that you are changing and now must focus all or most of your energy on yourself and not on a relationship with another person. Make this clear to each person who wants to relate to you that you need your time, energy and space for yourself right now, and not for deep relating with another person.

• You have a right to your own life. You have a right to your own decisions. You have a right to your own desires for fulfillment in life. You have a right to live in whatever way reality lets you live. Affirm this right for yourself. Don’t resist these rights also for the other person.

• Don’t live your life anymore for taking care of another person. You live and die alone. You alone can can your life yourself. You need your primary energy and love for yourself, not for taking care of another person. This is reality.

• Affirm your right to love and relate to whomever you choose is right for you according to your own desires and values and life stage.

• Don’t condemn others for not being right for you. No one needs to be made bad by you so that you can justify to yourself and them your own decision to no longer relate to them.

• Don’t make somebody else wrong so you can feel right about your decisions. Choice is the one absolute. There is no right and wrong choice. There are only choices and their consequences. You make your own choices in life and live with the consequences.

• Be a bit careful, yet be honest, in how you tell a love partner that you don’t choose to relate to them anymore. Don’t make them bad. Put your reasons in terms of differences and choices. You don’t have to justify yourself to anyone.

• Talk in terms of choices, rather than reasons. Reasons do not justify choices. Outcomes only justify choices.

• There are ultimately no reasons why people separate or stay together. Reasons why do not justify anything, or make a choice right or wrong.

• People either relate to each other in the present or they do not. Make this reality position clear to yourself and others. Deal with what is happening a lot more than with what is not happening.

• If the meal does not feed you, get up from the table and find another.

• You don’t have to justify yourself and your actions to anyone else. No one else can be you, can be in your shoes. Even though they may judge you, talk about you, no one else can live what you are going through or know your situation as you experience it.

• Thus, all stories and opinions about you are false. Don’t believe a word anyone else says. You must learn to believe in yourself. The more you have integrity and are real about how you live your own life, the more you will believe in yourself and live your life powerfully from your own core values.

• No one can make your choices for you or suffer the consequences of your actions. You alone make your own choices in life. Accept that and choose for what fits you in life the best.

• When the separation crisis happens, some couples do divorce and never relate again. They either cannot deal with their issues, or one or both just gives up on the relationship, for whatever reason, justified or not.

• Recognize that the suffering of separation is partially the realization in oneself, and the other, that that part of life you both lived together is over. This is a partial death. Part of your life is dead. This creates grief. Honor it but also make new choices for new life.

• Other couples clear the air of past repressed feelings and issues, and choose to go on relating, but with much more honest and real relating.

• These couples who choose to stay together often do appreciate each other in real terms. Also, both of a couple that stay together are willing to make changes in themselves and their attitudes and behavior so that they can relate better in fulfilling themselves and the other person.

• Change is in the air. Change is the spice of life. Development is destiny.

• If you have strong dreams about your present relationship, as well as future relating, even though everything in the dreams may not be true, or the same, as in outer life, take seriously the issues the dreams indicate. Dreams do not give answers, but they sure often raise the right questions.

• We often dream of what we do not have in outer life that would fulfill us.

• Do we follow our dreams or not? The core question is, do we follow superior guidance in life to what may be the personal, egocentric desires of ourselves or another? What we live by is what we live and die by. The guidance we follow needs to be realistic, of direct experience, and purposeful, that it fits our values and what we want to do with our lives, and destiny, that the guidance really fits us down to our core selves.

• Remember that in a separation or crisis process in relating, we cannot any of us know the future. To ground things, act now to problem-solve present difficulties. Deal with what is happening now and the future will take care of itself.

• You cannot know what kind of a relationship you will have with a certain person in the future. Have the most conscious and real relationship possible in the present with a person. Bring the relationship into direct experience, if important enough to you, and from that see what you two are to do together.

• We do not live in the past. The past is dead. We do not live in the future. The future is just potential. We live now through choice and circumstance. Live now consciously and the future will take care of itself.

Outwardly, Jon is agreeable and compliant. When Kayla asks him to do something, he’ll generally say “okay” or nod in agreement. Kayla has been let down so many times now that she’ll generally grill Jon on whether he will really remember to pick up the milk on the way home or drop off the cleaning.

Each time he promises to remember, and sometimes he actually does follow through. But much of the time he never has any intention of doing what he doesn’t want to be inconvenienced by. He has found that it’s easier to say “yes” when asked and then offer an excuse.

Jon has become an expert at sabotaging Kayla’s efforts to get him to take on more responsibility with the kids and housework. He has “taught” her that he can’t be depended on and that if she wants to be sure something is done right, she’ll have to do it.

Kayla has begun thinking that she doesn’t really have two children, but instead that she really has three, counting her spouse. Behavior that was age-appropriate when Jon was five and deliberately “forgetting” to put his toys away after being asked isn’t appropriate or helpful now as an adult. In fact, a pattern of passive-aggressive behavior can destroy intimacy and happiness in a marriage.

Hidden Anger and Manipulation Create “Crazy-Making Behavior”

Individuals with passive-aggressive behavior express their anger and hostility through indirect, passive actions. Instead of saying “I don’t think it’s fair that you expect me to clean the bathroom,” he ( or she) doesn’t protest—he just never gets around to doing it.

Then, when the mate eventually explodes after numerous frustrating experiences, the passive-aggressive partner just looks at the mate calmly, making her feel like the crazy one. He always has rationalizations and excuses ready and never takes responsibility or admits he’s at fault in any way. He always blames someone or something else.

He can be so convincing that sometimes the partner will find herself apologizing for getting so upset with him. Thus, the manipulation comes full circle and now the spouse still has the original problem on her shoulders—not enough help from her husband. He has “won” because he knows that he can get off the hook again whenever he needs to.

Sarcasm and Sabotage Can Also Be Indicators

The passive-aggressive spouse knows the weak spots of his partner and is often practiced in using sarcastic and cruel remarks under the guise of “humor.” He’ll say that the mate is too serious or doesn’t have a sense of humor if she objects, but the “humor” is barbed with hostility and criticism—another indirect way of getting back at a partner instead of expressing feelings directly and looking for solutions.

Many wives have had their diets sabotaged by a passive-aggressive husband who suddenly started bringing home candy or encouraging the wife to have dessert “just this one time.” Fear of the spouse becoming too attractive and being noticed by other men is generally at the root of this type of passive-aggressive behavior.

On the surface, the husband may sound supportive, but he is really working to sabotage the wife’s efforts to improve her looks and wellbeing. He is threatened by it and doesn’t want her to succeed.

What Can You Do?

Since the goal of passive-aggressive individuals is to resist demands from others, frustration and anger follows them wherever they go—especially in a marriage relationship.

They are often critical, negative, “forgetful,” sullen, resentful, and complaining. In addition, they are procrastinators and their performance on tasks they don’t want to do is substandard.

The following recommendations provide a starting place for a frustrated partner:

1. When your spouse makes a snide remark or uses sarcasm or barbed humor, calmly tell him that you don’t find that way of communicating feelings acceptable. Stop what you’re doing and sit down with him.

State that he must be having some strong feelings to have made a remark like that and you’d rather he just come right out and tell you what he’s feeling.

Whatever you do, don’t ignore the barbs or pretend you didn’t hear them when you did. Confront him with what he’s doing but without being drawn into an argument or becoming sidetracked by the excuses.

2. Know that when your intuition or “gut feeling” is that you’re being manipulated or taken advantage of by the excuses and rationalizations or lack of response, you probably are right.

Trust your intuition about this. It will help you to resist falling into the trap of taking on blame that’s not yours and thinking that it’s “all you.”

3. When your spouse uses passive-aggressive behavior, state what you see happening and how confusing that is for you. Tell him that it’s harming your marriage relationship for him not to be direct with you.

Say that what he is doing is dishonest and manipulative and that you see through it, and if he values the marriage, he’ll make an effort to change.

4. This is one time to take a tough stand on the necessity for marriage counseling. There are many issues that the two of you need to work on, including communication and anger.

5. If your spouse absolutely refuses to go to counseling, then make an appointment for yourself. Individual counseling can give you the resources and strength to confront your spouse’s passive-aggressive behavior and pave the way for more direct communication.

6. Remind yourself that you didn’t cause the passive-aggressive behavior. It’s not your fault. This pattern was in place before you married.

If your husband exhibits this behavior with you, you can bet that you’re not the only one who sees this side of him. You can suggest counseling, but in the final analysis, it’s your husband’s problem.

7. The decisions you have to make are how to respond to the passive-aggressive behavior and what to do if your husband refuses to change or seek help.

The counselor you are working with can help you to handle these hurdles and to decide if a marital separation might be an appropriate way to get your husband’s full attention if nothing else works.

His mother is the first woman to satisfy his emotional and physical needs. She is the first woman that he stared at adoringly. His mother who may or may not be beautiful to you__ is the woman who has set the standard of beauty by which he will measure other women in his life. Will you cook his favorite dish as good as his mother? Will you do laundry and fold his clothes like his mother? Will you be able to understand and maneuver the little idiosyncrasies of his personality like his mother? His mother, grandmother, aunts, sister and other females relatives have defined womanhood for him through interaction such as eating, sleeping, playing, performing chores, watching television, down to simply deciding who should sit in the front seat of the car.

They will tell him to look beyond your beauty and drop-dead gorgeous body to see the real you. They will refer to you as a slut or good-girl. They will tell him all of the dirty little secrets that women share about the virtues and hidden agendas of other women. Contrary to popular belief, women are more likely to refer to each other as bitches, tramps, whores, and sluts more so than men do in every day language. Women are more likely to look at another woman’s clothing and call her a slut or tramp because she is jealous of this woman’s physical attractiveness. Women fear that their male partner may become aroused by the physical attractiveness of a beautiful woman. This is why many women sub-consciously verbally attack the beautiful woman’s image in order to tarnish her beauty in the mind of others.

In most traditional families it is the women in the family who prepare the food for family festivities. The women gather in the kitchen to discuss, debate, evaluate and determine not only who is going to make the biscuits and wash the dinner dishes, but which women are worthy to become a part of the family clan. While chopping onions, peeling potatoes, and kneeling dough, these women will discuss the clothing of all of the women who attended the last family gathering, the length of time that some women flirted and chatted with the male family members; and which marriages and relationships should be salvaged or terminated.

These women will decide while washing and drying the dishes, sweeping the floor and putting the leftover food in the refrigerator whether or not your marriage with their male family member should be saved through their intervention of wisdom, love, and support; or whether or not they should give him ten reasons why he should not propose marriage or break off the engagement. The women in his family can heal or destroy his relationship with you. Housekeeping, cooking, and mending are the chores that bind the apron and heart strings of a man to his feminine ideology.

The women who performed these tasks in your man’s life will remain constant; they were his first and will be his last love. You must figure out where you fit into this web of women is his life. And though we, women, never talk about the influence that women family members have on impacting the quality of the relationship that we have with the man in our lives, we acknowledge the power that women have over the men in their lives.

Not only can we take another woman’s husband or boyfriend; we also have the power to take away a woman’s male child. You are the woman who is going to take her little boy away from her and possibly break his heart. You are the woman who could possibly turn her little boy against her and break her heart. You are the woman who could possibly make better fried chicken, scrambled eggs and lamb chops than his mother. You are the woman who can deny her access to her grandchildren. Don’t think for one moment that she…his mother and female relatives are going to give their male relative’s heart to you if they do not believe that you are worthy of its possession.

Answer and discuss the following questions with other women to assess the hidden power that your male partner’s female relatives have in determining the quality of the relationship that he is currently having with you. In addition, based on your answers to the following questions evaluate if the women in your male partner’s life is likely to support or destroy your relationship with him during difficult times.

1. If applicable, did his mother (primary female caregiver this may include grandmother, aunts, sister or nanny) try to establish a relationship with you? In what way did she reach out to you or in what ways could she have reached out to you but chose not to.

2. Is his female relatives (especially his mother female primary caregiver) close to his previous wife or girlfriends? Briefly explain the relationship.

3. Does his female relatives (especially his mother female primary caregiver) invite you to family or social functions without your male partner?

4. Does his female relatives (especially his mother female primary caregiver) write to you or send cards without reference to your male partner?

5. Are his female relatives (especially his mother) friendly to you over the phone? (This is a very telling sign of how his mother feels about you.)

6. Does she talk to you about issues that do not concern her son? Give examples.

7. Is she critical of your ideas, clothes or goals? Give examples.

8. Do you intuitively feel that his mother likes you and supports your relationship with her son? (Trust your gut feelings).

9. How would you describe his relationships with his mother? How often does he talk to her? Does he speak fondly of her? Ask him three of his favorite memories with his mother?

10. Write a brief biographical summary about his mother. Include the type of jobs that she has held and her highest level of education.

11. How do you think that his mother feels about her relationship with his father?

12. How does your male partner feel about the quality of his parent’s relationship? Does he want to emulate their relationship? If not, why?

13. If he has sister(s) or female cousin (s), write a brief description of each close female, her dress style and the type of men that she dates. Note whether or not he has a close relationship with his sister and how you think that she may feel about your relationship with him.

Look at your answers to all of these questions. In what ways are you similar to the women in his family? In what ways are you different from the women in his family? Based on your responses, do you think that the women in his family support your relationship with your male partner?

First, it is absolutely necessary to acknowledge what has happened. No step forward can be taken without honesty. The individual who has strayed must be clear about what has gone on. This does not mean they are to be punished or blamed, but must be accountable, taking responsibility for their actions. Next it is crucial to find out the deeper reasons in the relationship that caused this to take place. What has been lacking? Have there been hidden resentments? What does the marriage need, right now?

If both individuals are willing to confront the issues, to open communication, be honest, respectful and patient, then the marriage can emerge even stronger than before.

Emotional Infidelity

The question of infidelity has become much broader as individuals have obtained easier access to others through the internet. Many often satisfy their wish for other relationships or for fantasy and adventure through activities online. When we do not see or have to interact with another in person, there is comfortable distance, which leads one to believe that nothing is going on. Individuals often feel they can easily exchange intimacies. Demands made upon one another and can be handled easily through a few words. This stimulates a hotbed of fantasy and it becomes easy to feel one has someone in their life who cares and is there for them. Before they know it, excitement, attachment or dependency arises, and interferes with feelings towards the spouse.

This is a dangerous arena to go into. To protect the well-being of your marriage, stay away from it. Realize that online relationships, or other relationships where you feelings and fantasies become stirred up are a temptation to enter into fantasy. Inevitably, they make your primary relationship at home seem less important to you.

There is a thin line here and it is crossed easily. Define and set boundaries for your emotions and needs. If there is a reason why they are not being fulfilled at home, talk it out as soon as possible, create quality time together, explore new ways of enjoying each other and breaking a possibly deadening routine.

Addictions crop up in marriages and are often hidden from a spouse. The addiction to porn is one of them, and closely allied to infidelity. When spouses find out they are often devastated by it. Many wives feel utterly betrayed, threatened and as though they have not been good enough and are not attractive to their husbands. Often they discover the addiction because their husband’s sexual desire for them has decreased. Addictions can be much harder to break than one first realizes. Usually it requires professional help.

The addict must not make light of the situation, but fully realize that he/she is caught in the grip of an illness and needs professional help. These addictions can provide all kinds of highs and excitement that a real flesh and blood relationship may not able to offer. For some men, after being addicted to online porn it is boring or difficult to have that much sexual interest in their wives any longer. Awareness must be brought to this situation. Even though the man minimizes it, the woman must hold onto her own reality and need for respect. She must not deny the way you she is feeling, but see to it that professional help is sought.

It is always better to do this sooner than later. The longer an addiction grows the harder it can be to let go of. It is important to recognize these threats to your marriage for what they are, not blame yourself for them or brush them under the table, but to face the issues directly in a constructive and hopeful way. Let your partner know that together you can find a solution that works for both of you. Blaming the self or blaming the other is never helpful and leads nowhere. Acceptance, communication and understanding, however, always go a long way. Needless to say, both must be willing to work on this together. If the partner is not willing to deal with it, then the woman should seek help for herself in making constructive choices for her own life.

All marriages go through challenges. Whether these challenges destroy your relationship or make it stronger, is up to both of you. It takes two to make this commitment, however. One person cannot do it alone.

If so, it’s also quite possible that your spouse is just a negatively-oriented person about most things—work, the marriage, other people, the future, and life in general. Perhaps as time goes by, your spouse is becoming even more negative, critical, and complaining.

When I first talked to “Leigh” (not her real name), she was ready to leave her marriage because of her husband’s constant negativity. “Al” was a master at finding fault with Leigh’s decisions and suggestions. He had a sharp wit and could deliver zingers without batting an eye.

If Leigh suggested a picnic, Al responded with complaints about the perils of fire ants, killer bees, and sudden thunderstorms. Whenever she made a suggestion, Al would discourse on what was wrong with the idea and why it wouldn’t work.

If he did agree to go along with one of Leigh’s ideas or suggestions, he always expected the worse or talked about the negative aspects. In addition, Al was very critical.

The restaurant they tried was “too expensive,” the dinner conversation with friends was “too boring,” the movie was “too long,” the weekend camping trip was “too much work,” a gift from a family member was “stingy,” and the people at the church they visited were “hypocrites.” His boss is “an idiot,” his job “sucks,” and his life is “the pits.”

Since a negative attitude is highly contagious, it was challenging for Leigh to be around Al and not lose her normally positive orientation. She often felt drained and deflated in spirit after her interactions with Al. When she realized that he was becoming more negative the older he got and that she was starting to resent his attitude, she consulted with me.

Eight Steps to Overcome Negativity

If you’re in the same situation—married to a spouse with a negative attitude—I would give you the same recommendations that I gave Leigh. Here’s what you can do:

1. Deliberately cultivate friendships with other individuals and couples who have positive attitudes and who are fun to be around. Try to expand you and your spouse’s circle of friends to include couples who would be good role models for your mate and spend time with those couples.

Cut back on spending time with friends who encourage your spouse’s negative comments and attitude and slowly over time try to add individuals and couples who are strong positive influences.

2. Be sure that you have friends, activities, hobbies, and interests in your life that “feed your soul” and help you stay on a positive track. If things in your marriage aren’t what you wish they were, then you need to find satisfaction and joy in other areas to keep you centered and balanced emotionally.

Listen to inspiring songs and read inspirational books. “Feed” yourself a diet of positive messages that encourage and motivate you.

3. Monitor your moods to be sure that you’re not getting tangled up in what are commonly called “co-dependency” issues. That’s when you let your mood be determined and set by someone else.

An example would be if you were depressed all day because your spouse was in a bad mood at breakfast. Just because he’s in a funk doesn’t mean that you can’t have an enjoyable day. You don’t have to let your mate’s mood determine your mood or spoil your day.

Don’t give away your personal power. Take responsibility for creating your own happiness instead of being so influenced by your spouse’s negative attitude.

4. Keep a gratitude journal where you list what you’re thankful for each day. Form the habit of sharing with your spouse things that you’re thankful for. At dinner, for example, you might talk about how helpful the clerk at the grocery store was or tell about the favor a co-worker did for you that you appreciate.

If you’re thankful for seeing a beautiful bird or a lovely flowering tree, share your feelings. If you feel blessed by the kindness of a friend, share that. Even if what you say doesn’t impact your mate, you need to hear yourself expressing gratitude and appreciation for the gifts that you’ve been given. This helps you to keep focused on what’s right with your life instead of what’s wrong with it.

5. Try not to judge your spouse or make him or her “wrong” for being so negative. There are many factors that can influence a person’s attitudes: the attitudes they learned from their parents, their experiences growing up, low self-esteem, intense stress, clinical depression, a habit of negative self-talk, life disappointments and discouragement, and lack of hope.

Sometimes individuals who are negative think they are being “realistic” or helpful by “calling a spade a spade.” Others may think they are witty for delivering clever “zingers” and criticisms.

6. Schedule a time to talk to your partner about your concerns. Without sounding judgmental or “preachy,” give some specific examples of how her (or his) negativity has impacted you significantly. Perhaps your spouse is not even aware of just how negative she has become, or perhaps she is feeling depressed and needs to talk to her doctor or a counselor.

If your spouse reacts in anger, stay calm and non-defensive. State that you’d rather share your feelings now than have them fester underground and cause even more problems later.

7. If nothing changes after your talk with your spouse, write him (or her) a letter outlining your feelings and concerns about your reactions to his negative attitude. State that you want to look forward to your interactions and time with him, but you’re afraid the constant negativity will eventually affect your feelings.

In the letter, tell your spouse how much you value him and your marriage and that you love him deeply. Ask your mate to go to marriage counseling with you so that your marriage will stay strong and satisfying for both of you.

8. If your spouse is not willing to address the problem by talking with you or going to counseling, then make an appointment to see a counselor by yourself. You’ll need support and help in determining just what the next step needs to be—trying again to communicate verbally or in writing, or trying to adjust and live with things as they are, or in an extreme case, considering a temporary marital separation.

You’ll need a deep commitment to staying positive and upbeat to be able to withstand the strong negativity in your marriage relationship. The encouraging news, however, is that according to Robert H. Schuller, “It takes but one positive thought when given a chance to survive and thrive to overpower an entire army of negative thoughts.”

Gone are the days when a would-be-cheater had to physically leave home to seek out someone with whom to have an affair. Now it can all be done in cyberspace without the risk of running into family members, nosy neighbors, or inquisitive friends and workmates. With a few clicks of the mouse, a potential cheater has instant access to an endless array of willing partners. A cyber affair can be easily initiated and conducted from the privacy of your home, with your unsuspecting spouse or significant other in the same room, oblivious to what is going on.

Is a Cyber Affair Cheating?

Cyber affairs are actually a form of emotional infidelity. Although in the early stages, there’s no sex involved, most emotional infidelity eventually leads to sexual infidelity if left unchecked . But men and women view cyber affairs very differently.

Most men don’t consider cyber affairs as cheating. However women view them quite differently. A survey in Divorce Magazine found that only 46 percent of men considered intense internet relationships to be infidelity, compared to 72 percent of women.

Are Cyber Affairs Serious?

Many people question whether or not cyber affairs should be taken seriously — especially, if there’s no sex involved. A cyber affair is a VERY serious threat. A cyber affair should be treated as seriously as a sexual affair, because left unchecked, that’s where it will eventually end up.

In the past 10 years, divorce attorneys have reported seeing an increase in divorces and separations resulting from cyber infidelity. According to the Fortino Group, one-third of divorce litigation is caused by online affairs.

It doesn’t take much for a cyber affair to make the transition from cyberspace to the real world. Several studies have found close connections between cyber affairs and subsequent sexual affairs.

• According to statistics, 50% of people who engage in internet chats have made phone contact with someone they chatted with online.

• One study found that 30 % of cyber-affairs escalate from e-mail to telephone calls to personal contact.

• Another study found that 31% of people had an online conversation which eventually led to real-time sex.

So don’t make the mistake of underestimating a cyber affair.

Signs of a Cyber Affair

How can you tell if your partner is having a cyber affair? Telltale signs of a cyber affair include sitting at the computer into the wee hours of the night, heading for the computer first thing in the morning, insisting on privacy when surfing the Net, moving the computer into a a locked office or more private area of the home, constantly changing passwords, and other suspicious behavior.

A Fool Proof Test

People will often try to justify a cyber affair by calling it a harmless online friendship. If your partner tries to make light of your concern, or accuses you of making a big deal about nothing, there’s one way to find out for sure.

If the internet friendship is as harmless, or as innocent as your partner claims it to be, then he should have no problem with you sitting beside him, observing the exchange of correspondence back and forth. If he’s unwilling to do that, then you have your answer as to whether or not his online friendship is as harmless as he would have you believe. Safeguard your relationship by taking positive action before it’s too late.