Love Languages: Decode What Makes Your Spouse Feel Loved

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Each relationship is as unique as a fingerprint. And so is each person's love language - the specific ways a person feels love and cared for. Go beyond the typical flowers and chocolate, and discover the actual gestures that convey to your sweetie your love for him or her. This article will give you some concrete ways to determine you and your spouse's love language so you can keep the flames of passion burning year round!
What's Your Love Language?

Special anniversaries and holidays shine a spotlight on our love relationship, and is the time we often make gestures of love and appreciation. However, long-lasting love is not about one day of gestures. Real life romance is fueled by the small daily gestures that have you feel cared for and connected to one another. In his book, "The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate," Gary Chapman identifies 5 general categories of expressing and experiencing love. The "Five Love Languages" are:
  1. Acts of Service - doing things that serve your spouse, helping them through an activity.
  2. Physical Intimacy - touch, affection, sexual expression.
  3. Words of Affirmation - using words that build up your spouse through encouragement and appreciation.
  4. Gifts - receiving items that indicate someone cares and is thinking about you.
  5. Quality Time - spending time together in which your primary focus is on each other, enjoying each other.

Odds are that in the beginning of your relationship you touched on all the love languages - you couldn't keep your hands off each other, you told your sweetie how great he or she was, wrote emails and little love notes, you counted the days until you'd see each other again, you bought little thoughtful gifts, and you did your best to be of help in some way.

Now that your relationship has progressed, you're most likely to express your love in the way that makes YOU feel the most loved and cared for - which is like trying to speak Russian to the locals when you're in China! The important thing to remember is to communicate your love in the language that your partner speaks.

Most people think, "If you loved me, you'd spend more time with me."(or "take out the trash, make me dinner, hug and kiss me, buy me flowers," etc). "You should know -- I shouldn't have to tell you!" But with love languages that's exactly what you need to do - speak honestly, and tell each other about which gestures and actions make you feel loved.

Steps for Cracking the Love Language Code

The first step is to become curious about your spouse versus thinking you know everything about him or her. Next, be willing to be vulnerable by speaking up about what makes each of YOU feel most loved and cared for.
To decode your love languages, spend some time pondering the questions below and each of you write down your individual responses to the questions on separate pieces of paper.

Then, get together to share your lists, and discuss what might be each of your top two Love Languages, the behaviors that absolutely need to be present in your relationship to feel cared for.
See if you can come up with 8-10 specific responses to each question. (Questions adapted from Harville Hendrix's Getting the Love You Want.)

  1. The things my spouse does now that make me feel loved and cared for are: (Examples: pays for dinner, makes me coffee, cheers me on, kisses me goodnight, holds my hand when we walk, makes me laugh, takes me away on special vacations)
  2. When we first got together, some of the things my spouse did that had me feel loved and cared for were: (Examples: wrote me loving emails, brought me flowers, whispered sexy things in my ear, made love to me more than once a day, called me on the phone just to say how crazy you were about me, cooked dinner for me)
  3. Think of some loving and caring behaviors that you have always wanted but never asked for; things you've either dreamed of or experienced in the past. Wherever possible, be specific about your request. Don't hold back. (Examples: massage me for 30 minutes without stopping, wash each other in the bath tub, buy me some nice jewelry, act out a sexual fantasy with me (be specific), plan a surprise day or trip for us)

To really rekindle the flames of passion, exchange lists with your partner and spontaneously fulfill one or more desires from your partner's list each day for the next month. Begin with the ones that are easiest for you to do.

When your partner does a caring act for you, be sure to acknowledge it with an appreciative comment. These are gifts to you, not obligations. Let yourself truly discover the joy of giving and receiving love.

When you take the steps to genuinely understand and act on the unique ways your partner feels loved and cared for, you'll re-ignite your passion for each other and keep love alive well beyond the special holiday of the moment!