Relationships - 11 Red Flags Not to Ignore

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Finding the right companion is a complex and difficult task. Our early relationships with our caregivers often shape who we are attracted to and what type of person we find comfortable to be around. I have seen many individuals in my practice who have ended up in life-draining relationships. In most of the cases, they saw the problems well beforehand, but tolerated them for some reason or another. In my experience, the two most common reasons for ignoring warning signs were:

1. Having the belief that the person could change (perhaps if they are loved enough)

2. Although they may loath the person’s behavior, they can’t break away from the cycle of connecting with someone who behaves in a similar way as a hurtful parent because they are used to this kind of behavior or they want to conquer the early injury by replaying the relationship dynamic in an adult relationship.

Since we all have faults, how can we tell when we need to accept basic flaws and when we are overlooking serious issues?

People do grow and change as they mature, so it is not completely unreasonable to think someone can change behavior. However there are some behaviors/attitudes that don’t change much as they are part of the person’s personality. I have compiled a short list of some behaviors that I believe should be considered red flags NOT to ignore or think they will go away with time. Notice most of the descriptors have “chronic” or “pervasive” which is to emphasize the point that these are behaviors/attitudes that persist over time.

  • Chronic anger (blow ups, irritability, moodiness, not due to a depressive disorder)
  • Chronic sarcasm (anger disguised)
  • Excessive neediness (this can be attractive to women who like a fixer upper)
  • Disparaging humor (putting others down in a subtle way, also anger disguised)
  • Punitive mindset (feels people deserve the bad things that happen to them)
  • Controlling nature (needs to micromanage your affairs)
  • Pervasive insecurity (needs you to reassure them constantly, can take the form of needing you to agree with them, do what they say, etc.)
  • Extremely opinionated (a disguised form of someone who is judgmental and maybe critical)
  • Manipulator (may use guilt to get you to do things, doesn’t take no for an answer tries to get you to change your mind, makes you feel bad about things and see them as the victim)
  • Predominate self-centeredness (take more than they give, things are always about them, These people have a hard time putting others first)
  • Need to be on the offense (has a world view that people will always try to stick it to you or get over somehow unless you get yours first)

If you grew up around someone who did some of these things, you may find yourself being attracted to similar people even though you don’t like their behavior. Even objectionable behavior can feel familiar and comfortable at some level.

Of course, there are other factors that influence how we choose our friends and significant others, but these are just a few ideas for you to consider to have a healthy relationship and prevent having an unproductive and/or hurtful relationship.